I tried so hard and have read all your ebooks but nothing worked until i have just said enough is enough. The consequences of his actions in this situation are hard to tell. I have known for years that my partner is a nar. The narcissist should be held accountable to most of his actions, even taking into account his sometimes uncontrollable rage and the backdrop of his grandiose fantasies. I am so relieved to read LadyJanes post (response no. Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique. Ongoing hostile silence that never ends. Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. I had only met them twice but commanded you for wanting to help them and said yes. I know where this comes from, even knowing this it hasnt changed a thing. You cringe as you swipe your card to buy a coffee without getting approval from the narcissist first. Me feeling of hurt on emotionally not feeling special. I also bought the codependency book. If he begins to blame anyone else or confabulate you need to be ready to end the conversation very confidently and remain calm and in control of yourself. Do NOT get into and argument and DO NOT take these steps without reading all the steps you need in our book Back From the Looking Glass. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. Hi Lisa, Hang in there! So frustrated in my 24 years of marriage! The more positive the connection between you = the more likely they will be to listen. Narcissists can be great at making fictional plans for the future, and never following through on their promises. I do feel relief in at least knowing there is a reason why he does what he does, but how do I heal our relationship? Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. I know how painful this feels. They dont out run their lessons. Seems like nearly everything he says to me is about him. I try not to belittle. I am better off without him. We separated for 6 months and identified the things we needed to work on in order for her to move back in and us to be a family again. You called our landlord while being mad at me and told them WE where not going to renew our lease without telling me. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. Still in shock over a year later. Getting my narcissist significant other to be accountable will never happen. How do I protect them? They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. 18) When I got a fever blister on my lip, because I had been so beyond stressed, you told me that women get it from sucking to much . I hope someone might read this and be more careful about their childrens safety and will not go through the agony I have. 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. He had to pay several fines and now faces jail. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. I am (was) like a mother superior to him and thats not very sexy!!! signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Holding a Narcissist Accountable - TheNCMarriage.com. I made clinical decisions about consequences and my role became the enforcer of boundaries. I believe he is verbally and emotionally abusive. Matthew and I also go to marriage therapy once a week.this is the therapy that can be super hard, as my husband is such a great liar, charmer, manipulator, etc. My advice if you are in a relationship with a nar, get out and dont let them manipulate you back in. There is no promise once you get stronger that he will change or that in the end you will want to stay with him but you need to start righting the power imbalance in your home if there is to be any positive outcome for yourself. They bring their objective guidance, support and validation to your healing. I have been doing when you suggested here. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. 1)- i feel soo normal after reading all this knowing that there are other people like me, knowing why i have become a horrible woman who is vehemently cursing her husband and getting relief from it. Would the more dominate one win out or would they x each other out? So take kims advice and work on becoming your best and highest self, learn to set healthy boundaries, learn how to respond to criticism, learn to protect yourself, and learn to not be critical. Do you think Looking Glass will help me at this juncture, or just bring me back to trying to solve this with someone that isnt interested in solving it and is now attached (however temporary that may be) to someone else? Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. I know this is his way of turning this back onto me. Kim & Steve, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I heard her talk to him one time and knew he was suffering with a monster too. But I cannot pretend things r ok when I am not seeing them ok. I told him what I did and said it was better that way, that way we can avoid him being the middle man since I do all the banking anyways and it wouldnt cause a problem for him or us in the future with an argument over the ph cause of a misunderstanding and he got soooo mad telling me again how I dont know how hard some of his days are blah blah and thats when I said, I am NOT your punching bagyou wanna rag on someonerag on the person who first called you at a bad time NOT me. On these and other specific grounds Divorce is accepted by the Catholic Church via State Law, and Catholicism is one of the strictest religions. If this is your first time seeing my face o. If the man really almost kills you, than leaving is probably the best thing. I understand the need of getting these things off your chest. Is it worth making then accountable for that? He goes to the himalayas next month on sabbatical for two months and I am praying to God he realizes how much he has hurt me and how much I truly love him and decides to change on his own. (exhausted). Its sad he has used one old gal to get her home. But, we cant lose the business either. Hi Pamela and welcome (-: Empathy is not going to help him but him coming face to face with reality will. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. What are they gonna do? 4. If you want to hold a narcissist accountable, you need to challenge the deception. Marie, sorry to hear. Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! Let go and let God I say! I will do both. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. He doesnt qualify to ge a divorce. I dont know enough about your situation to give you much more advice but you can keep things on course if you do not allow yourself to be persuaded to trust him. Thanks Kim. Its all straight from the heart and tells it like it really is. If anyone knows what resources will be of help to me, please let me know. (I dont want to date yet, am working on myself, but may need that piece of paper to feel comfortable to move forward. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. When you have someone who repeatedly lies to you, who frequently doesn't care about your feelings or how their actions hurt you, who cheats on youthis is where we have to come in and make them accountable because they're not going to do it on their own. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. A narcissist knows how to turn on the charm when they need to. Cause and effect. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. Ive spent 13 years together following the dont ask what you get but what you can give policy. My question was about not knowing how to hold him accountable when the things he does are small and not police-worthy: blowing up at me over perceived slights, put-downs, emotional distance, not following through on his word, his concerns taking priority, lack of caring and empathy. I feel I am saving my life. Dont let him know that this is being instigated by you. The woman probably had to go home after that. Some hopeful partially answered questions; yet, here we still are: trapped in our own cause of slavery. It was days later that I discovered the truth after he got drunk and sent me my pics in a textsbut he of course had no idea how he got my pics??!!! She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. Guess that is what still hurts him most. I wish you both good luck . The person that I speak of is the worse case of spiritual soul sickness that I have ever encountered in my nearly 60 years of life and nothing that anyone does can do anything more than put up with for a time until in the end, she gets worse than she was when she was the worse the last time. I also know I hang onto him, at least by calling his answering machine almost every night once or twice because when I hear his voice mail greeting, I remember the good times between us, which were years ago and I dont have any replacements. It is ridiculous to have to kiss his royal rear end cuz why? Say nothing let him think he right since he is gonna thinks he is right anyway. So I have learned that it is best to let true Narcissist alone, especially those that have untreated and unrecognized borderline along with the condition. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. And thats why its hard. To say that it is difficult is an understatement but now that I have healed a little and am much stronger, I simply dont take his rubbish. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. Women, for instance, go back to their abuser an average of seven times, even if she was the one who initiated the termination. Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. When others place responsibility on the narcissist, the narcissist sees this as an attempt to impose his or her will. If a narcissist does something inappropriate and you put up the emotional stop sign or hold them accountable legally, they will get mad at YOU and claim that they are being "attacked.". Saying he never wanted it to begin with! If you still love him well then give him a chance but you also need to make sure you have rock solid boundaries in place including your money and your time. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. How much pain! In the mean time, I date other men on a non-sexual basis but for some reason, my heart is drawn to my NPD friend. Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. HOLD them accountable in the safest way possible for you. This is often referred to as "love bombing." I am very fortunate and lucky to be alive. I am becoming the woman I was when we met the one he hated. Relation was ok, he has done many things which I know now were just leading up to hell. You have expressed perfectly what it feels like to be in a relationship with a narcissist. I am done beating my head into a wall. I am still married and my husband and i are now really good friends so that had a happy ending. Financially Im in a bad place as I quit my job a few months ago and now make jewelry but Im broke. I am very close to the point where I may sit him down and explain a few things about Daddy to him, that will help him learn to cope with his fathers behavior, and to help him see that it is not about HIMits Daddys problem. Like you I dont want sex with him, but feel that to deny it too often is the same thing as withholding my love. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. We have to understand, explain, and educate ourselves on what is actually happening, not just the repeated symptoms. After they are grown you can have whatever unhealthy or healhty relationship you want its your choice. If you respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests this will earn others respect too. I actually feel like I cant take anymore, and now find myself alone at 60yrs when I thought I would be settled down with someone to spend the rest of my life with. Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship. He tells me Im the sick one that needs help, and do you know hes right ! Hes still with her (and who knows who else!) What a joke. Also I realise his controlling behaviour of me , is a lack of control of himself . Nor did getting a councilor and mental health services involved. Hi Liddabird and welcome, I appreciate your sentiments but if you share children taking them away without court permission is considered kidnapping and most people with NPD are very good at charming the court system. Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. That has caused me to understand that God loves my friend too. I only asked you to let me know when you made it back via phone so I knew you made it ok. You did not call me for three days after you came back and it took me calling you mother because I was worried and her telling you that, for you to call me. Hi Butterfly and welcome (-: I understand your feelings entirely but here on this blog we do try and leave the decision to stay or go up to peoples own hearts if only because it is one of the very few places people who dont want to separate can come to get help. If you are in the U.S., you can call 211 for a list of numbers for help. It took 2-3 years and Ive moved on, but the apology from him finally gave me the closure I needed.