difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

Its not a joke. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. I see like this Its as if two people (friends/lovers), have been heavily into drugs for years. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. Lisa, Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this., This post is great and so timely for me. Im still confused tho Nat. (he said) In fact, he is already complaining about the amount of time he will have them (3 days a week) and says he doesnt want them so much. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. And dont worryI clearly read the well-intentioned and accurate tones of both your comments! Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. But at last he has left and I am fine! I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. %%EOF This content does not have an English version. You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. I tried to be friends with him again this year. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. Things ended with my ex-EUM almost eight months ago, but I still remember everything and thats been the hardest part. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. Hold a grudge Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.com It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. If you find yourself stuck: If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you value, forgiveness may lead to reconciliation. We were supposed to discuss this on a Tuesday morning, but on the Monday night, I received this text message, I know I said that we would talk in the morning but I wont be able to do that. Read about the narcissist smear campaign. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could JBI Evidence Synthesis. I can't handle being around my mother for more than an hour at a time. The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. It is a lack of forgiveness and acceptance. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. I would rather keep complete NC and not see him at all, rather than the nice and polite act. You were probably not fitting into the fallback position he intended you to be. I intend to have an amicable relationship with him, for their sake, but in my heart I do not forgive him for how he treated me. and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. I am going to be me and be in this true reality that I have found post-relationship. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. Hes playing with your heart. Im confused. When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. resentment noun. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. I work alone and am not in a relationship. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. She did not mention the message she had left me. Beautiful, Sparkle! Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. YESSSSSSS!!!! I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. Practice empathy. Until one day, after months, or years, that dealer comes back. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. Natalie, this post is food for thought. P.S. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. Whenever you have a thought, track it. Somehow it feels less amazing than we thought it would once we are over someone and they contact us, I think (Im not there yet, but so I have heard). A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. Why? You might not always think that you're still upset with someone over a certain thing, but you very well could be. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. He never apologised. I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! Im not sure we can. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! I cant imagine the devastation your heart must be in right now. woman on the rebound who knows he is not the right guy butcould trick[herself]into being with him.. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Very tired of relationships not working out and tired of being alone, having said that, as coutney pointed out, I do need to trust my instincts, too old not to and been around th eblock too many times to get involvled with nother man who is not right fo rme. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. I dont like to be around you. . We can remember without ill will. Clearly this made me out to seem bitter/sour whatever to some..and I am bearing the brunt of it as far people who I thought were loyal friends were concerned. You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. Wanted to see whats going on. 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. other information we have about you. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. privacy practices. Im in similar boat to you here, will explain in a mo, but from what you write, this guy is disrespecting YOU not just all these apparent booty-women. Vindication? The message she left was so hurtful. she is at the core of my estrangemnt frm my son (iniated by my son as much he doesnt know & I cannot tell him or will only taumatise him). Hmmm. You deserve better than that. Unfortunately this is a case of When they tell you who they are, believe them. It's a wound that's barely healed. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. My kid(s) see right through you. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. I trusted them whilst in then depths of the on off emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship and it seems now that I was fabricating everything and the reason he treated me so badly was because it was my fault. At first, I tried to play it cool. Lisa- No, do not break NC. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. I have no specific information about if he is dating, etc. It takes practice. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. After spending years with someone to have no last words at all is bizarre. I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. ", "Moving on means choosing not to let the hurt and anger have power over you,", , a clinical psychotherapist, told INSIDER. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! But forgiveness isnt always possible in every situation. Hes done this before. Do you think its healthy behavior? That means an awful lot of retraining. these are the effs I do not give. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. He knows. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. the biggest betrayal of all is when a parent cant really love. I appreciate your imput. Youre stronger than you think!!! I am only 3 weeks into NC with my 2 year relationship. One night the devil made me do it. Thats a good sign for me. . Wondering how to escape a narcissist, be very careful. NC is brilliant. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Hi Ladies and gents. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Right now, its my faith that is getting me a bit balled up in what I think and do. Hold a grudge definition and meaning | Collins English Dictionary He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) Its important that you listen to your gut. Either way, you really dont need to know how well hes doing (it could also just be an act. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. Could you start up a relationship w someone who you did drugs w for years Finally get clean, and after all that damage and pain, try to be w them again? i saw him in the summer and we talked about what happened, I also found out he was dating a lot since out hook up. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. I was addicted for 6 months with the MM. Going back to the ex I guess isnt a total surprise ( though almost)- but never in a million years did I think he just would treat me like this. That is not the issue. This is projection of their own feelings on you. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. re my son esp. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. Block this idiot. Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. I have my dignity-you are correct. Remember, forgiveness is a process. I have a mother like that too! My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. Last night my ex tried to convince me yet again that it is my insecurities and jealousies that are getting in the way of our relationship, because I told him that I would be crushed if he spent the holidays with his ex wife. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. Narc with more baggage than an airport. Ready you should be celebrating! Jeez! The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? I forgive my ex who was abusive. Validation? Ready. Just wanted to clarify. Stand up for what you believe in. Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. I was actually relieved when she showed her true feelings on that voice mail message because now I can let everyone who wants to know why I dont have anything to do with her listen to the incredible, unbelievable message she left her daughter. I dont want to debate, only to understand what you mean. Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. Lavendar, when people tell you who they are.believe them. I got bored and stopped replying. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. Thanks Tinkerbell! Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? I guess this is why I ruminate so long about what to do because once I reach the final decision its iretrieveable. include protected health information. Thank-you all 4 your replies. I still think the work one is tricky but when I lived on a small island people met at work all the time, got married, had children and continued to work in the same office. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. Its as though I either like you or I dont even see you. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. Im painting and doing some things that had gone by the wayside, getting my life back on track. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. Its not about you or anything you may have said or done. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. The last contact was from him via text and a general birthday card. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. Back to re-hab analogy Would you? Once he understood he was going nowhere with the playful sexual innuendo in my case as I was not taking him seriously, he became the intense, serious friend who wants to sleep with you but not lose the friendship. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. The Golden Rule. Love made you and love freed you, so never think that it is not meant for you.. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. Meditation really helps you to learn to be in the present moment and enjoy it. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. By clicking Sign up, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. If you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness is a commitment to change. Not one time have I read any meanness or self-righteousness in any of your posts. I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! Since the break up months ago I have remained silent (of course they want you to do this) but I just cant be bothered to state my case anymore. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). Validation? I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. To keep going back to someone, or anything that has proven not to be good for you, why keep going back? Rakel D, ed. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. 1998-2023 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) You can draw a boundary without being bitter. I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. It focuses on the wrong thing. I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles You can do so much better than a rebound that doesnt give you what you need, too. You will feel the difference. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. Grace, you were right it was big let down. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689. DONT. word usage - <Grudge>, <rancor> and <Ill will> - English Language .What if they have changed? Absolutely true! There is no sense. Grudges are a form of punishment. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. Great addition, and true! In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). Click here for an email preview. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. Precisely! Silva RS, et al. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Be aware that forgiveness is a process. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. I was so wrong. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. Boundary or grudge when toxic people confuse the truth - Reach Out Recovery This has been my biggest weakness! Interesting post & timing of it. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. thts it. You will not get it. Absent father ect The support & encouragement on this site is priceless , That is great advice. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. Remorse? Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. In: Integrative Medicine. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. Ill definitely remember that. The Difference Between Holding a Grudge and Setting a Boundary