husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

Counseling is a great start. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. Super reasonable! Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. And he needs to understand that his fears are his to manage, no matter where they are coming from. I just point out that theres more crime in her trailer park, and she gets huffy about it. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. But Id want OP to figure out a little more what this behavior of his is really about, and make sure its not his way of trying to control her / torpedo her career, before Id recommend she let him supervise her work trip. To me, that means childish. Giving the husband the most benefit of the doubt possible, its possible he rants and raves and his friends all go hmm, interesting. Not seeing any benefit in engaging someone whos clearly nuts on the subject. Youre five minutes late? Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Thats what I was thinking. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. Here is the problem with appeasing people like OPs husband, whether they are being abusive or just needlessly anxious: they come to expect appeasement. My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. Jeez, we all married the same guy. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation This is bound to make them curious and excited. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. Thank you so much for being the voice of reason here. You could talk tohim about why hedoesnt want you there and see ifthere are any issues that need toberesolved outside ofavacation setting, oryou could simply ask him ifhed like you togowith him next time. It might even be a wonderful idea, under the right circumstances. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. Wouldnt that bother you?. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. Its just as likely that hes just jealous and controlling, like every other sap who clamps down on his partners autonomy. The memo was a few years old, and it had been issues shortly before an Uber retreat If Im not mistaken it was in Miami definitely in Florida. Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). The compromise? Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. My partner finds it funny that I get excited to go to Vegas for work and roll my eyes when it is a friend/social trip because he knows me so well. Vegas! This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. This may be the one city where you are on camera every second. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. I mean, we really cant say from the letter which it is, but its so easy to read into it either anxiety or controlling/toxic depending on what weve personally experienced. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. There is no one in his family who lives near us. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. If my partner acted like he thought he got a vote on whether I was allowed to do things, especially things relating to my career, Id laugh him out of the relationship so fast hed get whiplash. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. When does his flight land? Go. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. I know many wonderful non-abusive people who would raise a hairy eyeball over this. Whether or not you go on the trip is secondary. This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Frankly, what worked for me was meeting the team my wife was working with. I really hate the bad rap Vegas gets. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. Im still trying to figure a way out of it, but I wish I hadnt given in to his demands in the first place. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. Go on your trip! Alison doesnt usually change letter writers words, so I think itll probably stand as is. ), but accommodating him a bit on that is reasonable, in my book and most importantly, has zero to do with his feeling ownership of me or thinking his wishes trump my work demands, and more to do with just wanting to be sure Im safe. And not his fault, it was mine! Can you tell mewhat todo?Maya. I personally hate Vegas, but I would never question the idea of sending a business trip there because its typically the cheapest place you can gather people from offices all over the continent. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Casinos are some of the most secure and highly monitored public places you can go. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! Your husband has insane insecurity issues. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. Good luck! I mean seriously? And even if you werent going to your cousins house! A little bit, mostly to servers who thought I might be lonely and often came over to chat while I was having dinner. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Good luck to you both. Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. But don't worry, Daisy. Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. I was thinking the same thing. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? I hope that isnt what this turns out to be, but whatever it is, its not good. fractured ending scene; harold bornstein obituary cause of death; can you play volleyball with a torn acl; gambar teguh sugianto. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for the night along the way. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. If your husband has never traveled for business, and hasnt traveled much in his personal life, and his friends have similar life experiences, then its no wonder that hes created this scenario where all that happens in Vegas is affairs and crimes. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. My mom too! My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. Good points. I work for a global health organization. Personally, I think its far more likely that hes just using others or my friends agree as a generic point in his favor without actually having asked them. It is ideally set up to host conferences. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. hahahah! Best of luck to you, LW. Whats wrong with disembark? We are driving 18 hours to get to my family reunion with our 2 year old and 3 month old (at the time). He may be social with neighbors and coworkers, but hes not a friendly guy. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. Food! There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. Everyone thinks youre wrong.. Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. I speak as someone whose husband is both a counselor and anxiety-sufferer. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! Hopefully, a good counselor will see what, if any, underlying issues may be playing into this mess and refer him in the right direction. Yeah Im trying to tell myself this kind of misconception is the kindest possible explanation. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! There are counties where selling alcohol is illegal. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. The second I walked in the front door I thought this is exactly the type of place where the murder of the week happens in almost every episode. If you bring consoling up, will he go? I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation. I think thats reasonable. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. I cant quite tell from this letter if he does yet or notnor if its a true anxiety issue or straight-up manipulative, controlling behavior. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. And Im sure theres a lot more I dont know about. I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! Milkshakes there are ON POINT. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. And plenty of men there without their wives. Last but not least, take some time for yourself. But its also wildly irrelevant in terms of a OPs business trip. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. I go on business trips. I suspect he asked a leading question, something like My wifes company wants to send her to Vegas with a bunch of single guys who like to stay up late drinking. I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. Your friend is a wise woman. Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. I really dont recommend this course of action. They might feel left out or unimportant. Thats a CA classic. He can see how boring Vegas really is. Shopping! Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. Like Winter says . But a counselor can assess it and go from there. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. This is great, Anon Poster. I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. OK! Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. Biking to work? My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. Dont! Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. Sorry, that isnt useful. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. Definitely ask him to go to counseling ASAP to work out these issues in your relationship and like Allison said, if he refuses to go it could be very helpful for you to go alone. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. When I was in Vegas I called my husband 3 maybe 4 times a day during my breaks because I was so depressed and talking to him made me feel better. The country really isnt so homogeneous on this kind of experience that you have to seek out people to agree with you on this no matter where you live. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. We did it almost two weeks ago and it took about 14 hours, and now we're headed home. I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. Thats not out of reluctance to let either one out of their sights, but more because when they have the choice to be together, they will be together, and when its unavoidable, they make do as best they can. Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. Dosomething small tobuild trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. As sinful as it gets, I tell ya! Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. Yup. Ive known controlling people that became that way because it was a learned coping method for a disordered brain pattern not that it is a good coping method, mind you, but it is one. how do I get out of an active-shooter drill at my office? And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. It is a huge trust issue. I went just this month with my husband. Just last night I got home around sunset to find my wifes car in the driveway, the garage door open, all the lights off, and the house still and quiet. I say this as an anxiety disorder sufferer who becomes excessively worried when my partner travels for work, but of course I support him regardless of the fact that its stressful for me m y anxiety is on me to manage in a healthy way. Try to stop expecting reasonable behaviour from your spouse when hes in this anxious state. That doesnt seem fair! Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. Good luck to you in standing firm. The trip should take about 2 and a half hours, but it took about 3 and a half because we had to stop so I could feed my daughter and change her. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. Im going to second the suggestion of marriage counseling, but I think your husband sounds controlling and unreasonable. A pregnant woman recently asked the internet for advice after her husband refused to attend any of their doctor appointments. I went to Vegas for work once. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. Is that an issue as well? One of my best friends took his family (2 very young children) to Vegas, and they had a great time. Just stayed at a swanky suite in the Venetian with a view of the strip for $140/night. FWIW, my husband went on a business trip to Vegas last year when I was pregnant and feeling like crap. He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. 7. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. If someone tells my son, I am a thief, or. I came to say the same thing. A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. All of Nevadas legal brothels are in rural areas. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. People buy life insurance for people they love all the time, and dont tell them to stay at home all the time to avoid the risks. Im not controlling or irrational, Im protecting my marriage!, An outsider can actually say Husband, this behaviour isnt normal or good for your relationship. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. Congratulations! I still tease her about it. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. My husband got sent there on a business trip as well. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. I do have anxiety and PTSD from my days in the army. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. By contrast, I spent a week this summer at a conference in a not-doing-so-well midwestern city. If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. :). I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. I find this so interesting. It was, instead, his own insecurity and abusive tendencies. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. Yep, and because the hotels make most of their money through conference bookings and casino profits instead of room rentals, you can get really nice hotels for stupidly cheap. rarely cede ground. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. Oh dear. Because reallyif the intent is there, a spouse can cheat anywhere. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. Its been 12 years for me. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because there are tons of conference rooms, hotel rooms, and restaurants, and its easy to get a direct flight there from virtually anywhere in the country, not because there is some bizarre motive to break up marriages or cause scandals among employees. +1 I think this is good advice! Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. Vegas isnt the problem here. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. Iasked ifI could come. This is controlling behavior and its not about your trip or your safety, its about his anxiety. Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. The husband is acting like a jerk and the OP needs to figure out whether this is something/someone she can live with and whether he is capable of improving. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. My mom believes that her quiet suburban neighborhood and my own are overrun by prowling sex offenders when the sun goes down. You don't have to fake excitement about every little . You go on trips, no one lets you go. Excuse me? OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler.